This article is in response to all the rants from women who say “fur babies” are not a thing and caring for them just doesn’t compare to children. This response is for the proud pawrents, women who hashtag their Instagram photo #DogMomAF and have used their maternal instincts to raise a rescue dog. It’s for the women who inform their mom that the newest grandchild in the family has four paws and wears a crystal collar with letters spelling Bella. Not all dogs have a “dog mom”. Most dogs are basic bitches and are left by themselves during the day, given generic dog food and don’t visit a holistic vet. This article refers to us hoomans who will admit to being a #CrazyDogMom.
My dog is dependent on me for food, shelter, healthcare, companionship and proper development.
My dog experiences mental health issues including general anxiety, separation anxiety and overeating.
My dog steals my socks and cell phone and doesn’t bring them back.
My dog ruins my Mercedes, my Bulgari sunglasses and leather furniture and is the reason I should drive a minivan and can’t have nice things.
My dog plays at the park. The dog park! I drink wine from a coffee cup with the other dog moms.
My dog is all I talk about too! Seriously, people are tired of hearing about inconsistent poops from her new diet or what foreign object she last eat.
My dog doesn’t let me go to the bathroom alone and scratches and cries at the door until I let her in.
My dog is in my family portraits and I have been known to do “mommy and me” photo shoots
My dog goes to school. Obedience school.
My dog has a bath every night with a paw clean at a minimum. I also brush her teeth.
My dog gets hangry if she doesn’t receive her scheduled breakfast and dinner. This means packing planned meals and snacks for the car and day trips.
My dog is excited to go on shopping trips to the toy store (pet store)
My dog goes on play dates rotating between her house and her friend’s house.
My dog gets sick in the middle of the night. She needs me to clean her bedding, give her medicine and lie with her until she falls back asleep.
My dog visits a doctor (veterinarian) and then a specialist (holistic veterinarian) for a second opinion. She has seen a chiropractor a couple times too!
My dog grew out of her first collar, her second and her third. She wears out her sweaters and needs a seasonal wardrobe including s lifejacket and snowsuit.
My dog knows the word “grandma” and “grandpa” and gets excited when we pull onto their street.
My dog has operations involving sedatives, and I get to take embarrassing videos of her coming out of sedation (see video below…it gets really funny at 20 seconds!)
Tango gets me up in the morning by sitting on my bed and whinning. I give her breakfast and make a break for the bathroom to get in a wee before I have to run her outside for her potty break and walk. As I get dressed and ready for work, I fill her treat bulb and try to keep her entertained. I pack her a lunch labelled with her name, get her dressed and buckle her into her car seatbelt to drive to doggy daycare. Daycare is in a rural area and is 45 minutes out of my way from work. When I drop her off she shakes and cries, telling me not to leave her. During work, I receive the same phone calls as a human mom receives including “come pick up your kid she is not feeling well” or “your child has been in a fight”. After work, I drive straight to daycare to pick up Tango. I have a snack waiting for her in the car because it’s close to dinner time and she is hangry. We go straight home for dinner and then she wants quality play time. I want to wind down with a glass of wine and some Netflix, but Tango wants to play because she hasn’t seen me all day. I don’t go out with my friends that night because I would need to find babysitting for Tango.
When you fly on a plane your 1-year-old is free; I pay $125 to shove my dog under my seat.
When you stay at a hotel you receive a complimentary crib; I pay a $50 cleaning fee.
When you take your kids for emergency care in the middle of the night you receive free care; I pay a $100 late night fee just to get through the door. Treatment is on top of that.
Daycare is $500 per month, health insurance is $50 per month and healthcare is $3000 per year (but I can’t write any of it off of my income tax like a human mom can). Food and treats are $130 per month which is the same price of powder formula.